Cheatham County Exchange
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Expand your safe zone with some new friendships




“La variété, c’est la vie, l’uniformité, c’est la mort.” (Variety is life, uniformity is death) ― Benjamin Constant

When we met, we followed different political and religious belief systems. The rule of not discussing politics and religion wore thin with us after a while, and we began to talk. A lot. I listened. She listened.

We’ve stayed together as friends and continue to talk about things we believe and things we question. If I had not been open to other perspectives, I’d still be where I was, in a safe place with opinions like my own and a limited understanding of how many beautiful views of life there are.

Benjamin Constant lived long before you and I, yet his wisdom is still something to embrace today. Variety is life, uniformity is death.

There are times we need uniformity in life. If we are supposed to stand in a line, uniformity matters. If I’m buying a car, I want to know that uniform rules were followed in building it so I’ll know I’m safe. There is uniformity in many things for good reason. But when the way we live our life is without any variety, we die where we are. Oh, we might live to be 99, but without a little variety in our life, I believe we are not truly living.

It’s an ordinary day for me. I work with a photography project, and I hear from people in different time zones — not just an hour ahead or behind, mind you, but a full 8-12 hours different than where I live. Communicating often means leaving messages for each other. We are in Israel, Germany, Australia and the east coast of the United States — all of which are so different from my Central Time clock here in Tennessee.

Some of the people are really religious, some are staunchly atheist, and some are middle of the road. Some of the community members are conservative, while others are liberal, and many are of no strong opinion either direction.

Our focus is photography, though, and rarely do we cross into discussions of politics or religion. My world is so much richer for having the members of this group in my life. They might not be people who would choose me as a friend if they met me on the street, but in this setting, we’ve been safely distancing since before it was a popular thing to do, and I’m thankful for the variety they bring to my life each day. Have you come across people like that?

Maybe social media really is the best place to take a chance on people who are different than we are. There are no preconceived ideas about the other person since, if you are in a group you both like, you already have a common bond. I’m not recommending you do this in a political or religious group, since that defeats the purpose, but maybe a gardening group, a cooking group, a rescue group for your favorite breed of dog (or cat).

Taking a chance to get to know someone with different views of life can be scary and can be frustrating, but it’s almost always worth the risk.

“Why would I want to spend time talking to people who think differently than I do?” you might ask. Glad you asked. Awareness. Specifically, cultural awareness. I grew up in a small town in the South and spending time hearing about other parts of the country (and of the world) has truly broadened my horizons.

“I’m doing just fine over here. Why are you stirring things up?” Actually, I’m not stirring things up. We’ve had a lifetime of people doing that by mistreating other people.

In 1791, it was Hamilton (THAT Hamilton) who said that children would be cheap labor. Luckily, we’ve come a long way. Chores at home are much different than what we used to demand of children. I wonder how many people had to start talking to people different than they are for us to see that child labor laws are necessary. It’s not always comfortable, I know, but how very necessary it is to be willing to allow for variety in our lives, in our friends.

And since this is really about getting to know people different than ourselves, it’s interesting to note that a study from the University of Kansas found it takes 40-60 hours to become casual friends and over 200 hours to become very close friends. If you and I spent an hour a week getting to know another person, by the end of the year we will have become pretty good casual acquaintances. With that investment, there’s a good chance we will open our thinking to hear what our acquaintance thinks.

While we can’t socialize much in person, we can spend time chatting with friends we’ve met through social media (or if you live in a group setting or neighborhood, you might spend an hour a week learning about a neighbor you’ve not gotten to know in the past, over a socially distanced cup of coffee), and there’s a chance we’ll feel we’ve spent 40 hours with them in one afternoon. What matters, though, is that we are willing to allow for someone else to have a different opinion than we do and still be our friend. It doesn’t make either person a bad person.

I think of Aristotle’s words, “Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.” How much effort are we willing to put into ripening a friendship, into welcoming some variety in our lives? It’s scary, but after more than 200 hours spent with my friend, I see the value, indeed.

Susan Black Steen is a writer and photographer, a native Tennessean and a graduate of Austin Peay State University. With a firm belief that words matter, she writes and speaks to bring joy, comfort and understanding into each life. Always, she writes from her heart in hopes of speaking to the hearts of others.

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